another one bites the dust

One of my very best friends got married last week. It was a beautiful wedding, and she looked absolutely gorgeous. We have been friends since we were very young, about two or three years old. I didn't expect to get so emotional, but as I stood there on the altar, watching her walk down the aisle...I almost lost it.

I regained control of myself and stayed composed for the rest of the ceremony. After the vows were spoken, rings and kisses were exchanged and we'd all walked back down the aisle, it was time for the reception. (Oh, by the way, the wedding was outside at her parents' house, and the reception was in a huge tent. And yes, it was FREEZING outside.) The cake was good, the food was good, the DJ playing the music was good. Then it was time for the father-daughter dance. Once again, it was sort of bittersweet to see the person that I have come to know as a sister dance out the last few steps of her childhood.

I stood over to the side, next to my other childhood friend, also a member of the wedding party. We watched as the final notes of the song faded away and she began her first dance with her new husband. I was doing okay, and then she smiled at us and motioned to my friend and her new boyfriend to come dance. As she walked over the makeshift dancefloor, I was left standing by myself. It was so poetic, so painfully poetic.

I have never felt so alone in my entire life.

When you attend a wedding, and this is multiplied times two if you are actually in the wedding, people will continue to ask you, "So, any prospects? Are you, ya know, seeing anyone?" All I can ever say is, "No." The freakin photographer at this wedding asked was I dating someone after I was left standing solo during the slow dancing. No, no, NO. As I was repeatedly and painstakingly reminded, no, I am not currently dating anyone.

And people keep saying, "Oh, don't worry. It's okay. No big deal. You'll find someone." But I'm not worried. I know it's no big deal. And as I have said time and again, what about someone finding me? I know I don't want to get married for a long time, if at all. I have my own doubt about the whole institution of marriage and whether or not it's right for me. But I can't help but feel a little twinge (okay, a lotta twinge) of jealousy. I know that the decisions my friends have made are not the same ones that I have made for myself. But sometimes it still hurts.

I found myself growing somewhat irrationally upset at the wedding. Not angry, just upset. I had to excuse myself as I felt my face get hot and my eyes sting with tears. I quickly exited the reception tent and made my way inside. Why did I get so upset? Why was I bothered so? I don't know if I am facing the reality that we are all growing up, or if I was mourning my own self, or if I just miss my old friend. Whatever it was, it hit me and it hit me hard.

This also makes me think back to a conversation I had not just a few days ago with a good (make that fantastic) friend of mine. We were just sitting there, talking, when she asked me did I think that there was one person for everyone.

This is an interesting concept to me.

I used to think so. I used to think that there was one person out there for me, so beautifully and wonderfully made that I could not wait to find him. Then as time went by, my feelings changed.

Another close friend of mine once said that she thought there isn't just one person for everyone, but you find someone that you really love and you make it work. I hope there's not one person for everyone. Do you know how many people there are in this world? It seems as though it might be damn near impossible to find that special someone.

Like I said before, I don't know if I want to get married. But I do want to find that one person that I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with, that I just can't get enough of. As Carrie said in Sex and the City, "I am looking for love, can't live without it love."

Just not right now.

I am content to hang out and have fun with my friends, and I have some really great ones. I don't need anyone to complete me; I can complete myself, thanks.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I feel that nagging, aching pain, just gnawing at my heart and hollowing out my chest.

It hurts.