goodbye dear friend - you will be missed

It's ironic that my last post was about love and finding that special someone.

Two friends of mine have been dating for a while. It's weird to me that they are together, as I have known each of them for a long time, but separately. One day, they came into Red Lobster, where I work, and we did the whole, "But wait...hold on...you're dating? And you know....her? Him?" It was perfect - I loved him like a brother, and she was just fantastic. They were so cute together. After we realized we all knew each other, I even went on a blind/double-date with them...but that's another story.

I continued to see them at Red Lobster, which is basically my social networking system. Just a few weeks ago, they came in for lunch. I stopped for the usual hug, and she showed me something new - a promise ring. It was absolutely beautiful, and she was so proud, so radiant. My friend then told me it was his grandmother's ring, and looking at the two of them, right then, I could see how much in love they were. I hugged them both again, congratulated them, and went back to work.

This past weekend was like any other weekend - I came in late Friday, overslept Saturday, etc. But it was different.

My roommate woke me up with some very unsettling news. My two friends were in a really bad car accident. She was in critical condition. He didn't make it.

He was going to propose at Christmas.

I didn't believe it at first. I still kinda don't. It wasn't until later when I was relaying the information to my mom that it sank in.

Ben, my friend, was only 23 years old. He had two brothers and amazing parents, both of whom I love very much. We were the Etowah Youth Orchestra for years, and we traveled with the EYO to Myrtle Beach, New Orleans, and even to New York to play at Carnegie Hall. He was my date for my junior prom, and that same year, his brother went with one of my best friends. He was such a sweet and selfless person, and he was always there to do anything for anyone. I remember him teasing me and picking on me like a brother would. The first thing he did every time I saw him was give me a great big hug, those kind of hugs where you know the other person really means it.

Cindy, his girlfriend, is still in serious condition, but she is going to pull through. I can only imagine what she has left to go through when she wakes up. She is such a sweetie, and I was so pleased that she found someone that made her happy. I can't even begin to put myself in her position. I have no clue what lies ahead for her. That is pain so unbearable that I would never wish on anyone.

This really made me think about life and death. We are never promised tomorrow. And I've always heard people say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Is that true? When you think you have found the person you are going to marry, you really believe that is the person you were meant to be with all along. That is the only person for you.

What do you do when you wake up one day and that person is gone?

Ben had such a short time here. I think back on my life and wonder if the time comes for me to leave this place, will I be ready? How will people reflect back on my life?

Goodbye, my dear friend. We've had some good times. You had such a big heart, and you gave yourself whole-heartedly to everyone and everything. I will miss you so much. That's the hardest thing for me, knowing that I'm never going to see you again. I'll never forget you. I don't think any of us will.

another one bites the dust

One of my very best friends got married last week. It was a beautiful wedding, and she looked absolutely gorgeous. We have been friends since we were very young, about two or three years old. I didn't expect to get so emotional, but as I stood there on the altar, watching her walk down the aisle...I almost lost it.

I regained control of myself and stayed composed for the rest of the ceremony. After the vows were spoken, rings and kisses were exchanged and we'd all walked back down the aisle, it was time for the reception. (Oh, by the way, the wedding was outside at her parents' house, and the reception was in a huge tent. And yes, it was FREEZING outside.) The cake was good, the food was good, the DJ playing the music was good. Then it was time for the father-daughter dance. Once again, it was sort of bittersweet to see the person that I have come to know as a sister dance out the last few steps of her childhood.

I stood over to the side, next to my other childhood friend, also a member of the wedding party. We watched as the final notes of the song faded away and she began her first dance with her new husband. I was doing okay, and then she smiled at us and motioned to my friend and her new boyfriend to come dance. As she walked over the makeshift dancefloor, I was left standing by myself. It was so poetic, so painfully poetic.

I have never felt so alone in my entire life.

When you attend a wedding, and this is multiplied times two if you are actually in the wedding, people will continue to ask you, "So, any prospects? Are you, ya know, seeing anyone?" All I can ever say is, "No." The freakin photographer at this wedding asked was I dating someone after I was left standing solo during the slow dancing. No, no, NO. As I was repeatedly and painstakingly reminded, no, I am not currently dating anyone.

And people keep saying, "Oh, don't worry. It's okay. No big deal. You'll find someone." But I'm not worried. I know it's no big deal. And as I have said time and again, what about someone finding me? I know I don't want to get married for a long time, if at all. I have my own doubt about the whole institution of marriage and whether or not it's right for me. But I can't help but feel a little twinge (okay, a lotta twinge) of jealousy. I know that the decisions my friends have made are not the same ones that I have made for myself. But sometimes it still hurts.

I found myself growing somewhat irrationally upset at the wedding. Not angry, just upset. I had to excuse myself as I felt my face get hot and my eyes sting with tears. I quickly exited the reception tent and made my way inside. Why did I get so upset? Why was I bothered so? I don't know if I am facing the reality that we are all growing up, or if I was mourning my own self, or if I just miss my old friend. Whatever it was, it hit me and it hit me hard.

This also makes me think back to a conversation I had not just a few days ago with a good (make that fantastic) friend of mine. We were just sitting there, talking, when she asked me did I think that there was one person for everyone.

This is an interesting concept to me.

I used to think so. I used to think that there was one person out there for me, so beautifully and wonderfully made that I could not wait to find him. Then as time went by, my feelings changed.

Another close friend of mine once said that she thought there isn't just one person for everyone, but you find someone that you really love and you make it work. I hope there's not one person for everyone. Do you know how many people there are in this world? It seems as though it might be damn near impossible to find that special someone.

Like I said before, I don't know if I want to get married. But I do want to find that one person that I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with, that I just can't get enough of. As Carrie said in Sex and the City, "I am looking for love, can't live without it love."

Just not right now.

I am content to hang out and have fun with my friends, and I have some really great ones. I don't need anyone to complete me; I can complete myself, thanks.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I feel that nagging, aching pain, just gnawing at my heart and hollowing out my chest.

It hurts.

squish, squish SQUEAK!

Ah, rainy days. I love rainy days. I love nothing more than to either go to bed with the rain tap, tapping on my windows or to wake up to a steady drizzle. (Only trouble is that I want to stay in bed all day!) I even have a fantastic noise machine with a rainstorm setting that lulls me to sleep.

Then there are the downsides to rain. I hate having to travel from car to building and feel all chilly and rained on and such. Traffic moves slower, and accidents are a bigger threat on slick roads. Plans get rained out, and there's always that one person who gets taken by surprise by the rain and rushes out to their car because they left their windows down. (i have done this on several occasions; I just thank God I don't have a car with a sunroof anymore...don't even GET me started!) There is the 6 inch or so section of your jeans that feels the need to soak up as much excess water as possible.

I remember being a little kid and getting off the school bus, excited to stomp in the puddles on my way up the driveway. Only problem was that L.A. Gears, though stylishly and fashionably made, had those little holes so that my eight-year-old feet could breathe. While this was helpful on hot summer days when I needed a little localized air circulation, it wasn't so conducive to puddle-jumping. The water quickly and gleefully found its way into those little holes and straight to my sock-clad feet.

Out of all these, though, there is one thing I hate the most.

I'm jogging into the school building, trying my best to dodge puddles, stay dry and hold on to all my personal belongings. As I reach the door, I do my best to wipe my feet on the mat, provided there is one. I walk through the double-doors and down the hall to my class. And then there it is.

SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

Squeaky Shoes McGee. That's who I am. It's even worse when you come in late, or if you are walking down a hall in which several classroom doors are open.

SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

After squeaking down the hall, I squeak into my classroom, over to my chair.

I've tried picking up my feet, which only makes me look like a show pony, high-stepping down the hall. I've also tried angling my feet differently as they hit the ground, but then the resulting sound is more like a SQUELCH.

SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

So what will I do? Short of wearing different shoes and carpeting the school hallways wall-to-wall....I guess I'll just live with it.

Until it becomes SQUEAK, SQUEAK, CRASH! Arms and legs flailing, books and things flying, cheeks reddening and pride diminishing, all ending with me in a weeping heap in the middle of the floor.

In case I haven't mentioned it before, someone falling on their ass is always funny. Sad, but hilariously true.

leftover meatloaf

So, I'm sitting here, watching Megan Mullally on her new talk show. For those of you not in the know, she played Karen on Will & Grace.

I have come to the assumption that the last stop on the celebrity has-been bus is talk show town.

She's fun enough, I guess. But today my interest was piqued more that just a little when I heard who her guests would be. Julianne Moore, normal. Jamie Kennedy, somewhat normal. And special musical guest....

Meatloaf?

Seriously, Megan? Did you even have to ask him? Hell, did you even have to pay him?

Mr. Loaf (or "Meat," as I have come to know his friends and back up singers call him) is looking a little rough for wear nowadays. I hate to say it, but even in his heyday he didn't look too great. He didn't sound very meaty, either. He was very shaky as he caressed the red hanky attached lovingly to his mike stand. I literally thought he might pass out, he looked so weak.

BUT I did love that one song he did, "I'll Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)." Though I never did find out exactly what that "thing" was. Hm. Now that I think about it, that was such a befuddling song. I also liked the one about Rock and Roll Dreams. I was in elementary school when my sister purchased the cassette tape for Bat Out of Hell II. I remembering getting a secret thrill as we listened to it, and seeing the word "hell." I also remember reading the liner notes and seeing the word "fuck" and going back to it repeatedly to see if it was still there. My sister was such a junior high badass. :)

ANYway. I digress.

Meat apparently has a new CD out, titled (somewhat surprisingly) Bat Out of Hell III.

My question is how many times is that damn bat going to come back?