as soon as, as soon as, as soon as...

I hate when I feel like things are out of control. When some aspect of my life that I can't get a handle on, it makes me want to control anything else around.

I clean.

I'm not the neatest person, but sometimes I get on these binges where nothing is ever straight enough or neat enough. I'm having company tonight, so I have a reason to have cleaned, but there are also some aspects of my life that I feel I can't get in order. So then I start cleaning and organizing. And if I feel like I can't do it (ie, my room looks awful), I give up and spend as little time in that room as possible.

Ugh.

Or I organize. I start making lists and detailing every little thing wrong with my life, like a "fix-it" to-do list. Of course, I never really have the satisfaction of crossing anything off the list.

Right now I'm having some issues with money (then again, who isn't ALWAYS struggling with money?), so I made a little Excel spreadsheet of what bills need to be paid and when, how much, etc.

I make post-its reminding me to do stuff. I make so many reminders to the point where I feel like I've already done whatever it is that needed to be done. I visualize myself succeeding at whatever it is that I'm having trouble with to the point where I think I've already fixed it.

But I haven't.

Kinda like I picture myself going running or walking or working out to the point where I honestly think I've already done it. I even feel tired.

I always tell myself, "So much is going on right now. As soon as everything settles down, as soon as I pay this off, as soon as, as soon as..." But it never comes.

I'm such a control freak. But an unmotivated control freak.