So are the days of our lives...

My dad was in town last night.  Whenever we're in the same room, I usually get filled with this anxiety because my apartment is a mess, or my car, or I've not done some things I should've or I've done things that I shouldn't.  This time was a little different.

He lost his job a few weeks ago, and it's been really hard on him, esp since this came only a week after my grandmother (his mom) passed away.  Today he was traveling to Montgomery to take some tests, and it was just easier for him to leave from my place in Birmingham.  When he arrived, we chatted for a bit and then decided to head to dinner—IHOP, his favorite. 

We had some nice conversations, and it's times like this that I think, "Wow, when did I become grown-up enough to have adult conversations with my dad?"  We talked about work and life in general, and my anxieties about getting up and facing the day.  I'm having a lot of trouble doing that.  I've gotten into this mentality that my life is a giant hourglass, and the grains of sand are passing through much too quickly, while meanwhile, I'm just drowning in them.  I feel like I've got nothing to be proud of it, like things are just happening around me and time is moving way too fast.  Like I'm going to die soon, and it'll all just be over.  Why can't we live forever?

Anyway, moving past my existential crisis…we came home from dinner (after stopping to get a gas station cappuccino, another of my dad's favorite treats) and strapped on our tennis shoes to squeeze in a quick walk around my neighborhood.  My dad told me that he had been terrified to turn 30.  When I asked him why, he said simply, "Because I wasn't ready to let go…of my 20s, of being young."  At that point in his life, my dad was married, had one kid, and was making a pretty decent living at the steel mill in Gadsden.  But he still felt that way.  That gives me some comfort.

After getting back to the apartment, we sat and talked some more on the balcony, looking out onto the glittering city.  He told me that he knows that I love where I live, but that he couldn't stand it.  As he put it, he was "born in the sticks, made to stay in the sticks."  We talked some more about how I was freaked to turn 24, how I felt like I only had about 50 good years before I bit it (I know this is totally irrational and ridiculous, but I just feel this way).  I told him that I'm tired of not being able to enjoy the day, of being scared of the way the weeks are flying by, and feeling like I'm in a slump.  I told him about how I wondered if it gets easier when you get older, if you get a peace about "The End," and this coming to a close.  My mom told me once that she still feels that way.  My dad?  "It's a gradual thing," he said, looking down into his water glass (which was essentially a plastic Red Lobster cup—another example of my feelings of failure:  I can't have anything nice).  "I know that this isn't the best life, and there are things I wish I could change, but it's got to get better than this.  There's got to be something better." 

I'd like to say that knowing that my parents have felt the same way that I do makes me feel better, but it doesn't, really.  It makes me scared that this will never go away, that I'll always be living my life trying to keep the sun from rising on a new day.  And I don't want to feel like that.  I want to look forward to things.  I <i>do</i> have things to look forward to.  I just get so overwhelmed.  For everything I should be happy about, I find ten more reasons to shut those feelings down.  Right now, I'm back to my list-making.  Sometimes I think if I can just get all out on paper, it'll be in front of me, and I can just cross those things off the list and out of my mind, one, two, three.  If only life worked that way…

foodography...and 100th post!

So…I have a habit of sometimes taking pictures of the foods I’m eating. Then I never do anything with them. I’ve decided it’s time to take advantage of my food photos in a blog. (Sadly, I also realized this is my 100th post...I say "sadly" because I wish it was of slightly more substance!)

I made a soup a few nights ago, with the aid of a few recipes but mostly what was in my head. I need a little guidance on how to prepare everything. What resulted was a spicy black bean soup. It’s probably going to need some tweaking, mainly in the spice department, and it’s probably going to need to be thinned out with some broth or water (if you’re cheap, like me). It was pretty delicious, and I ended up freezing the leftovers in half-cup portions. I'll list the recipe at the bottom, if anyone is interested. The stats are pretty decent, esp considering I added no fat or anything, other than the 2 tbsp of veggie oil to sauté with. And that’s divided amongst 5.5 cups.

Here, I sautéed the bell pepper, onion, and garlic.


This was followed by the addition of Rotel, corn, and black beans. Then there's an inset shot.



And voila! The finished product, topped with 2% cheese, reduced-fat sour cream and some green onion. (Pssst…there’s brown rice under there, too.)


I had this with a grilled cheese, made with reduced-calorie wheat bread and fat-free cheese. It was YUMMY.

Ingredients

2 tbsp vegetable or olive oil
1 bell pepper, seeded and chopped
1 red onion, peeled and chopped
4 cloves garlic, chopped
1 can no-salt-added corn, drained
2 cans black beans
1 can Rotel
2 tbsp cumin (or to taste)
2 tsp chili powder (or to taste)
optional: sour cream, cheese, green onion


Directions
Using a large pot or dutch oven, saute bell pepper, onion, and garlic in vegetable oil until tender, about 5 minutes. Add corn (drained), Rotel and black beans. Season with chili powder and cumin, to taste. Bring to a boil, then bring temp back down to low to simmer and let flavors blend, about 15 minutes. In small batches (about three cups each), puree soup in blender (or use an immersion blender in pot). Serve hot, topped with sour cream, cheese, and green onions if you like (not in nutrition). My recipe made 5.5 cups of soup, it may vary. The info is for a 1/2 c serving. I didn't use any broth or water to thin it out during cooking, though, and you might want to do that. I've been adding a little water after cooking to stretch out the amount; it does very little to the flavor.

Number of Servings: 11

Nutrition Data